worries

Random post tonight.

I should be sleeping, it is 12:30 am. I am not. Logan came in about 11:30 saying that he had had a bad dream and needed cuddles. I was more than happy to oblige. I took him back to his room and laid down by him for a while and we got to talking. For some reason the baby that we lost was on his mind and he wanted to talk about it. (for any who don't know/can't remember i miscarried january '09.) He is old enough to remember that i was pregnant and we were going to have a baby and that the baby died and that mama was sad about it for a long time (and still has a hard time with it). I don't really know how to explain things to him in a way that doesn't scare him but still tells him the truth. I tried to tell him that sometimes when mommies have babies in their tummies the baby isn't healthy. I don't know how much he understands, but he understands enough to cry about it and ask if we will get to see the baby again in heaven. I told him that we would, because mommy and daddy were married in the temple our family gets to be together forever. That seemed to help, but only so much.

My heart is breaking for this tenderhearted little boy I have. Such a sweet little spirit. I wish he didn't have so much to deal with, but he does. His mommy is sick so often that it makes him sad to talk about. He worries so much about me. I hate it. The other day he told me that he loved me more than anyone in the world, I asked him why and he said because it makes him sad when I am sick. I hate that when they look back on their childhood, likely the biggest thing they will remember is mommy being sick so often. I worry about how this is shaping their lives.

Anyway, I should probably get some sleep. sorry so random.