Serious Freak OUT!

I am freaking out! As I type this I am sitting on a chair in my kitchen with my feet up on another chair. Why do you ask? I will tell you why. I just saw a mouse in the kitchen and I am trying to keep it cornered until Steve can get here to kill it. AHHH I just saw it again. Actually it was a few seconds ago but I was mid sentence. Steve get home now! NOW! I need this thing out of my kitchen! They are so gross! Little beadie eyes and that skinny tail. I want to vomit right now just thinking about it. I have placed a plastic knife with peanut butter on in on the floor hoping to entice it out so that i can capture it. So so freaking out right now. Can you tell?

Sister Sister

This past week we have had my (single) sister Rebecca out here visiting us. It has been a blast. I hardly took any pictures, but I did get a few today. We all went for pedicures ( Jen, Becca, and I) and had some good girl time. Jen even took the opportunity to paint Taelie's nails. So so cute.

Mine is the foot on the right. Loving this color, makes my feet look so tan!

too cool

My boys are creatures of habit. They like to know what to expect and they get very upset if things are different. One of their habits is to put on their sunglasses as soon as they get into the car. Today on the way to church we got some cute pics of the boys showing 'em off.

Bronson and Taelie

The boys and I watched Taelie (my sister, Jen's daughter) for a couple hours today, and Bronson was completely enamoured with her. He wanted to hold her the whole time. He actually only got to hold her a few minutes, but if she was cooperating it would have been much more. so so cute.

Non-Due Date

Today's post is a very personal one for me. I have debated whether or not to even publish it. I think I always knew I would, but it was easier to write when I convinced myself that I may be the only one who ever reads it. I am hoping that by sharing this side of me, others who have gone through this will see a part of their own story. And for those of you who haven't, maybe it will give you a bit of a glimpse of what it feels like to miscarry.

Today is my- should have been - my due date. It is here and I have nothing to show for it but a broken heart. I am so grateful for the two amazing children that I have, but that doesn't diminish the loss I feel for the baby I don't have. Right now I should be in a hospital bed cooing over little fingers and toes. I should be picking baby names and wondering how I am going to fit three car seats in our small car. I should be exhausted over sleepless nights and balancing children. I should be sending out birth announcements and picking a blessing outfit. I should be looking forward to first steps and first words.

Instead I find myself dwelling on what will not happen. I guess I should just get over it. But I can't. I don't know if I ever will. I think something like this stays with you forever. I hope so. I never want to forget the little one that I lost.

I often find myself pondering why. Why did this baby not make it? Was there something wrong with how it formed? If I get pregnant again will it be the same spirit or another one? Was that the only chance that spirit gets to come to Earth? Was the spirit already present at 14 weeks? Was it something I did? I did have two incidents RIGHT before. I have been assured that it was nothing that I did/didn't do that caused this. But I am not convinced.

I know so many women who have gone through this and I am so sorry for every one of them. Every time I hear that someone has lost a pregnancy my heart just breaks for them. I can't help but cry. It has been six months and sometimes it is still so raw. I am still jealous when I hear that another woman is pregnant. It doesn't hurt like it used to. But it does still hurt. At least now I am to the point where I can be genuinely happy for them, rather than just pretend like I am.

For me, this has been and overwhelming and emotional experience. I always thought that if I had a miscarriage that I would be logical about it. That miscarriages happen because the body is simply getting rid of an non-viable fetus. How stupid I was. How naive. I didn't take into account how torn apart it would make me feel. How empty. How lonely. As I have struggled these last few months with trying to get back to normal, I have realized that I will never be 'normal' again. I have had to find a new 'normal'. In many ways that is a good thing. I am more compassionate and understanding. More grateful of the two little guys I have been blessed with. More aware of how lucky I am, and what is really important to me. More appreciative of my husband's arm around me and his kind words.

As I sit here and type this, there are tears in my eyes for what I have lost, and for what I have gained. Hopefully, someday, I will have another child, but even if I don't, I have already been blessed so much. It seems so selfish to ask for anything more.