Summer Recap

Okay, it has been forever and I have a lot of stories to re-cap. So, to save you all time, I am going to title each paragraph so you will know if you want to read that story or skip on to another one. props to anyone who reads the whole thing!


Hide'n'Seek with toddlers

The other morning the boys and I decided to play hide'n'seek. Well, Logan and I decided and Bronson went along with it. Bronson isn't big enough to count and find so he always hid and Logan and I took turns hiding. It was so funny. Logan and Bronson were in a coat closet giggling LOUDLY and so I loudly searched everywhere else first. Then Bronson and I would hide. The best part was that where ever Bronson and I would hide then Logan and Bronson would just stay in that place. didn't even leave the spot while I counted. They were so funny. Kinda takes all the fun out of looking when they just stay in the same place.


Mouse hunting

Many of you commented on my mouse post. I know that it was over a month ago, so let me update. When Steve got home I was still sitting in the kitchen, trying to corner the mouse and make sure that it didn't go anywhere without me knowing. The thought of going back in the living room and relaxing was not an option. I had Steve try and get it (while I stood safely on a chair). He pulled the stove out and swept around with a broom and he said he didn't see anything and that there were a lot of holes back there where the mouse could have run into and off to an adjoining apartment. The next morning he went and bought traps and we didn't see the mouse again. Honestly, I am questioning whether I even saw a mouse or if I just got all worked up over nothing. Guess it doesn't really matter, I am just glad I didn't see it again!


Swim time

We spent a lot of time at the pool this summer and it was so fun to see the boys grow more and more accustomed to the water. Bronson at first wouldn't let go of me. He was like a little spider monkey clinging to me for dear life. By the end of the summer he was 'swimming' around with his little water wings and telling me 'I a fish, Mama, I a fish!" So cute. Logan loved the water from the start but it was so amazing to see how much more comfortable he became as the summer progressed. By the end of the summer he often would swim around sans water wings and with his face in the water! I am so proud of him. He seems so grown up!


Eyelashes

Today Logan came up to me and told me that Bronson looked like a girl. I inquired further and he said it was because he had long eyelashes. I told him that he had long eyelashes too, that he got his eyelashes from me. This really seemed to confuse him. I didn't know how to explain genetics to him, so I just said that he has long eyelashes because mama has long eyelashes. This didn't seem to satisfy him but he didn't ask anymore questions.


Bones and blood

Speaking of 4 yr old super-curiosity. A few weeks ago we were having some chicken wings and I (mistakenly) told Logan that we have bones like the ones in the chicken wings. Of course then he wanted to know why and I said something about them helping hold you up and help so you can move around. Then he wanted to know if he ate the chicken bones if he would be able to move around better. I told him no, we don't eat bones. He protested that DOGS eat bones. I conceded that that was true, but even dogs don't eat chicken bones. sigh.

Logan is overly frightened of blood. Even the tiniest scratch will throw him into a tizzy if it has a touch of blood. At the same time he may have a big scrap and be unfazed until he sees that it is bleeding. Then a hysteria ensues. He asked me about blood the other day and he wanted to know why we have blood and where it comes from. I just told him that his body needs it to live and that it helps keep you healthy. sigh again. When do they stop being so inquisitive? He is a little question machine!


Speaking "Bronson"

Bronson is nearly 2 1/2 now and almost completely intelligible in his speech. Almost. He has several funny little phrases that he uses and an attitude to match. He likes to tell me to leave him alone and go away ( I think he gets this from Logan telling him not to bug him). My favorite thing is this phrase that I do not know where he got it from. He likes to call everything "my little ......" Example: "I need my little drink." "I am playing my little dinosaurs." " I am wearing my little pajamas." I know it doesn't sound like much, but it really is so cute!


Best News!

Here is the best news in this whole post. After nearly 2 1/2 years in the works my boys are sleeping in one room! It has been such a struggle for us. We have often had Bronson in a pack'n'play just so we could have them separate and get some sleep. When we got back from Chicago we had been mentally rearranging furniture so that we could put the boys in separate rooms. It has been 4 nights now and we are NEVER going back. Such a relief!


Steve and Erin (not boys!) news

Well, we had an eventful though not too profitable summer in Chicago. Steve was awesome and drove the whole way out and back. ALL night, both times. Well, I did drive for about an hour on the way back, but each trip was over 24 hours so I don't think that one hour really counts! Logan threw up the whole way out to Chicago and we didn't want a repeat performance on the way back so we were very careful not to let him color or do his seek'n'find books on the way back. Plus our DVD player was broken and we couldn't find a plug adapter for our laptop last minute so we couldn't watch movies either. The boys were remarkably good and patient with the whole thing. This summer was great for Steve and I personally. Having so little time together and such a high stress job could easily have left us frustrated and pulled apart, but it didn't. We really pulled together and learned to appreciate each other and the time we did have together more. I would go on but I will get sappy and I know that ya'll probably don't want to read about that!


I am sure I left out a million stories and I will try and post them as they occur to me but I wouldn't hold your breath. My memory isn't what it use to be. I blame the children!

I'm Back!

Gosh! I am sure you are all wondering what happened to me. Well we lost our internet connection in Chicago and so I have not been able to get on. So frustrating. Good news is - we are now back in Utah and I am back in action! I am exhausted right now, but I will be back on soon to try and catch up with the last month. In the meantime I will be checking all of your blogs for what has been happening with you! Yay! I have missed being able to keep tabs on everyone.

Serious Freak OUT!

I am freaking out! As I type this I am sitting on a chair in my kitchen with my feet up on another chair. Why do you ask? I will tell you why. I just saw a mouse in the kitchen and I am trying to keep it cornered until Steve can get here to kill it. AHHH I just saw it again. Actually it was a few seconds ago but I was mid sentence. Steve get home now! NOW! I need this thing out of my kitchen! They are so gross! Little beadie eyes and that skinny tail. I want to vomit right now just thinking about it. I have placed a plastic knife with peanut butter on in on the floor hoping to entice it out so that i can capture it. So so freaking out right now. Can you tell?

Sister Sister

This past week we have had my (single) sister Rebecca out here visiting us. It has been a blast. I hardly took any pictures, but I did get a few today. We all went for pedicures ( Jen, Becca, and I) and had some good girl time. Jen even took the opportunity to paint Taelie's nails. So so cute.

Mine is the foot on the right. Loving this color, makes my feet look so tan!

too cool

My boys are creatures of habit. They like to know what to expect and they get very upset if things are different. One of their habits is to put on their sunglasses as soon as they get into the car. Today on the way to church we got some cute pics of the boys showing 'em off.

Bronson and Taelie

The boys and I watched Taelie (my sister, Jen's daughter) for a couple hours today, and Bronson was completely enamoured with her. He wanted to hold her the whole time. He actually only got to hold her a few minutes, but if she was cooperating it would have been much more. so so cute.

Non-Due Date

Today's post is a very personal one for me. I have debated whether or not to even publish it. I think I always knew I would, but it was easier to write when I convinced myself that I may be the only one who ever reads it. I am hoping that by sharing this side of me, others who have gone through this will see a part of their own story. And for those of you who haven't, maybe it will give you a bit of a glimpse of what it feels like to miscarry.

Today is my- should have been - my due date. It is here and I have nothing to show for it but a broken heart. I am so grateful for the two amazing children that I have, but that doesn't diminish the loss I feel for the baby I don't have. Right now I should be in a hospital bed cooing over little fingers and toes. I should be picking baby names and wondering how I am going to fit three car seats in our small car. I should be exhausted over sleepless nights and balancing children. I should be sending out birth announcements and picking a blessing outfit. I should be looking forward to first steps and first words.

Instead I find myself dwelling on what will not happen. I guess I should just get over it. But I can't. I don't know if I ever will. I think something like this stays with you forever. I hope so. I never want to forget the little one that I lost.

I often find myself pondering why. Why did this baby not make it? Was there something wrong with how it formed? If I get pregnant again will it be the same spirit or another one? Was that the only chance that spirit gets to come to Earth? Was the spirit already present at 14 weeks? Was it something I did? I did have two incidents RIGHT before. I have been assured that it was nothing that I did/didn't do that caused this. But I am not convinced.

I know so many women who have gone through this and I am so sorry for every one of them. Every time I hear that someone has lost a pregnancy my heart just breaks for them. I can't help but cry. It has been six months and sometimes it is still so raw. I am still jealous when I hear that another woman is pregnant. It doesn't hurt like it used to. But it does still hurt. At least now I am to the point where I can be genuinely happy for them, rather than just pretend like I am.

For me, this has been and overwhelming and emotional experience. I always thought that if I had a miscarriage that I would be logical about it. That miscarriages happen because the body is simply getting rid of an non-viable fetus. How stupid I was. How naive. I didn't take into account how torn apart it would make me feel. How empty. How lonely. As I have struggled these last few months with trying to get back to normal, I have realized that I will never be 'normal' again. I have had to find a new 'normal'. In many ways that is a good thing. I am more compassionate and understanding. More grateful of the two little guys I have been blessed with. More aware of how lucky I am, and what is really important to me. More appreciative of my husband's arm around me and his kind words.

As I sit here and type this, there are tears in my eyes for what I have lost, and for what I have gained. Hopefully, someday, I will have another child, but even if I don't, I have already been blessed so much. It seems so selfish to ask for anything more.